AT&T unveils new 5G technology that drops calls 3 times faster than previously thought possible

Humor by Prateek Joshi
Jan. 24, 2021, 8:04 p.m.

Hyping up the latest advancement in telecommunications technology, AT&T announced on Wednesday that its new 5G technology will drop calls at speeds three times faster than previously thought possible.

The revelation reassured AT&T’s frustrated 4G LTE customers, who have spent years suffering through calls that took several excruciatingly long seconds before disconnecting on their end.

“Gone are the antiquated days when you dial a phone number and get to two rings before your phone involuntarily hangs up,” touted CEO John T. Stankey in a press release that had to be mailed to media outlets because of AT&T’s poor internet service at his own home. “With our revolutionary 5G infrastructure that covers two and a half blocks of the SoMa neighborhood in San Francisco, the call will fail before you even hear a single ring. Now that is lighting fast.”

Stankey ended the letter by reassuring customers that their new 5G plan would include free directions to the nearest McDonald’s parking lot with a half-decent WiFi signal.  

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

Contact Prateek Joshi at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu.

Prateek, a former editor-in-chief of Brown University’s satirical newspaper (The Brown Noser), signed with the Stanford Daily’s satire section in free agency. He also had one glorious month-long stint contributing headlines to The Onion, none of which were published. Feel free to send him article suggestions and harsh criticism at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu. His favorite hobby is getting an M.S. in Civil and Environmental Engineering (Class of 2021), focusing on sustainable energy systems. When he’s not satirizing, he’s fervently searching for whoever had the nerve to claim the “pjoshi1” email username.

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