Never having had the opportunity to meet other students on campus, sources report frosh Benson Kelso ’24 is starting to wonder how many more Pink Floyd posters he will have to hang on his wall before he starts making friends.

“I thought that by now at least one person would have sent me a Zoom private message about them,” said Kelso, smoothing another image of frontman Syd Barrett out on the wall behind his desk. “I have two more coming in from Amazon, but I’m not sure that will cut it.”

Positioned to be visible during Zoom meetings, Kelso’s bedroom walls are covered in 23 posters containing images and iconography of the English progressive rock group. While Kelso is unsure how many more posters it will take, he’s certain the display of devotion is his best chance at making friends.

“Sure, I thought about it,” said classmate Naomi Musa ’24 when asked if she’d considered a friendship with Kelso. “He seems nice. But I’ve never really listened to Pink Floyd and I felt like that would be a non-starter.”

Kelso thought it was important for his collection to include posters representing Pink Floyd’s less popular works, like “Atom Heart Mother” and “Ummagumma,” so as to impress serious fans. 

“‘The Dark Side of the Moon’ is so mainstream. I don’t want people who see my wall on Zoom to think I’m some bandwagon jumper,” Kelso said. “But no, I’m not really a fan. Once, when I was eight, I saw the first five minutes of ‘The Wall’ before my mom noticed I was watching and sent me out of the living room. She said it wasn’t appropriate for my age. Then when I got older I just couldn’t get into them.” 

Kelso reported that if more posters still weren’t enough to make friends, he’d try a well-placed record collection or some empty liquor bottles next.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’ stanford.edu.