Move over, Amigo: This new app pairs students by frequency of mental breakdowns

Jan. 28, 2021, 7:05 p.m.

That’s right — no more boring chit-chat about hobbies, which subjects interest you or where you’re from. CryWithMe, the newest app on Stanford’s social scene, lets you skip straight to sobbing over your class workload, seasonal allergies and personality flaws.

“With CryWithMe, you can spiral with a total stranger at the push of a button,” explained Kent Akit, the app’s lead developer, who had not yet begun the CS project due shortly after our interview. “Just fill out our quick questionnaire, which asks about things like how often your problem sets are due and how many more units you’re taking than you can realistically keep up with, and CryWithMe will automatically schedule a Zoom call with another student just as sleep-deprived and emotionally unstable as you are.”

Currently, users can use the free app to match with Sleep Deprivation Pals, Failed Relationship Friends, Impostor Syndrome Sidekicks and Procrastination Partners. Soon, the developers plan to release the “Stressed About Money” VIP status for $22.00 per week.

Initial reviews of the app have been overwhelmingly positive:

“Burdening strangers with my emotional baggage has never been easier” — Frank, 19

“I didn’t realize how much I needed someone to wallow in self-pity with until I downloaded CryWithMe. Now I can hardly lose control of my life without someone there to watch.” — Lily, 18

“My friends may have stopped talking to me, but now I can just hop on CryWithMe, connect with a stranger, and go to pieces like never before. It’s awesome.” — Brian, 20

With midterms just around the corner, it’s no wonder the app is taking the student body by storm. So what are you waiting for? Download CryWithMe today.

Oh, and if at all possible, could you sign up by this Thursday? I wrote this article instead of doing my math homework, and it’s gonna be a really late night.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Johnny Dollard at jdollard ‘at’ stanford.edu.

Johnny Dollard '24 is studying Materials Science and likes to think he's really funny. If you agree, you can tell him so at humor 'at' stanforddaily.com. If not, no need to feel bad about yourself. Some people take longer than others to develop an appreciation for humor, and you might just need to reread his articles a few hundred times to catch up to everyone around you.

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