In an athletic feat that is unprecedented in the modern sports era, Tom Brady will start in his 10th Doritos Super Bowl commercial after outlasting competitors Drew Brees and Aaron Rodgers for the coveted slot. When the broadcast airs this Sunday, the 43-year-old quarterback will surpass his own previous record of nine Super Bowl commercials for the legendary tortilla chip brand produced by Frito-Lay, Inc.  

Ramon Laguarta, CEO of Frito-Lay’s parent corporation PepsiCo, explained the decision to ESPN reporters after the AFC and NFC championship games.  

“Brady’s ability to call audibles based on whether the defense is showing a blitz is outstanding,” said Laguarta, who pointed out that Brady went to Costco last weekend looking for Nacho Cheese-flavored Doritos but was able to efficiently pivot to the Cool Ranch flavor when he realized that Nacho Cheese was out of stock.  

“His ability to scramble off the couch to avoid spilling guacamole on his sweater is unreal,” continued Laguarta, who lauded Brady’s smart decision making and ability to hold on to the Spicy Sweet Chili-flavored Dorito in high-pressure situations. “The guy hasn’t dropped one chip on the floor all season. That’s the kind of statistic that makes him the perfect candidate to be the first-string actor in our 2021 advertisement. The fact that he’s 43 years old and has been munching on Doritos at a high level for over 20 years is even more amazing.”  

Brady, who declined to comment, has been spending the entire week practicing getting the Poppin’ Jalapeño-flavored Dorito from the bag into his mouth as quickly as possible for the big game. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

Contact Prateek Joshi at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu.