New York Knicks announce special promotion to give away first 500 fans at each home game

Humor by Prateek Joshi
Feb. 7, 2021, 7:57 p.m.

In an effort to boost attendance at Madison Square Garden next year once the COVID-19 pandemic subsides, the New York Knicks just announced a special promotion to give away the first 500 fans at each home game starting in 2022. The surprise revelation came amid declining interest in the Manhattan-based professional basketball team after seven straight losing seasons.  

“When it’s safe to open our doors to fans, I can promise you that the first 500 attendees at each game will be promptly given away to another team,” explained Knicks owner James Dolan, who has faced harsh criticism in the past from Knicks fans who have urged him to sell the team. “It’s a win-win situation. You’ll get to be relocated to another team’s fan base, and thus won’t have to suffer through the agony of following the Knicks. And I won’t have to hear your complaints about how the team sucks or get booed on live TV.” 

The Knicks also announced that the first 100 fans to buy season tickets will be given season tickets for the Brooklyn Nets instead.  

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

Contact Prateek Joshi at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu.

Prateek, a former editor-in-chief of Brown University’s satirical newspaper (The Brown Noser), signed with the Stanford Daily’s satire section in free agency. He also had one glorious month-long stint contributing headlines to The Onion, none of which were published. Feel free to send him article suggestions and harsh criticism at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu. His favorite hobby is getting an M.S. in Civil and Environmental Engineering (Class of 2021), focusing on sustainable energy systems. When he’s not satirizing, he’s fervently searching for whoever had the nerve to claim the “pjoshi1” email username.

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