The University has announced plans to establish residential neighborhoods by next fall. These are The Occasionally’s predictions on what the new neighborhoods will be.

FroSoCo

They’re their own neighborhood. We predict little will change as a result.

La La Land

This neighborhood is home to all those frosh you would find at Celia’s after a big performance in Memorial Auditorium. Home of this year’s Gaieties star and at least half of the Mendicants, you’re bound to bump into someone singing a musical number or a cappella in the restroom.

Startup Corner

It takes up all of campus.

Paris

For those hard-core humanities nerds, Paris will provide a beautiful backdrop for them to write their stunning debut novel or maybe a mediocre book of poetry. Just like the real City of Lights, Paris is full of culture, full of art and also everybody here smokes for some reason.

Something Named After A Eugenicist

We’re not sure which eugenicist yet, but a neighborhood will be named after one. Or maybe someone who committed a genocide.

Bagpipe Alley

All 12 members of Stanford’s Amateur Bagpipe Troupe living in a 40-square-foot space in the middle of Main Quad. Legend has it that their practices can be heard all the way from The Dish.

The Row

It’s the same as it is now, we just sequester all the frat dudes off so that we don’t have to deal with them. No one in or out.

The Pre-Professional District

Pre-law and pre-meds need a place where they can all sit and compare their 10-year plans. No one else should be forced to bear witness to their put-together-ness.

The Island

This neighborhood will be a small piece of land located in the middle of newly-refilled Lake Lagunita. Similar to the reality TV show Survivor, one student will be voted off the island each week.

The Zone

No one knows exactly what happened to create the Zone, but legends and Geiger counters report that something is very, very wrong there. Some say the Zone was the result of a botched second coming, others say it was the work of aliens and physics profs say it was the result of a grad student named Dale accidentally spilling boba tea into a particle accelerator. Who can say for sure? Through the miasma of putrid fog, you can just make out the silhouettes of the students who have been doomed to wander the Zone forever. Inexplicably, they are all linguistics majors.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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