Humor

You deserve it: Here’s 11 pictures of goats to get you through midterms

Feb. 23, 2021, 7:45 p.m.

Just so you know, I worked very hard to find these, and I will cry if you don’t look at them.

 (Photo: Wikimedia Commons)
  1. Stressed about your midterms? This goat isn’t. Be more like this goat.
 (Photo: Wikimedia Commons)

2. This goat looks forward to the future, not back on his bad test scores. You can, too.

 (Photo: Wikimedia Commons)

3. What? “Alpacas,” you say? No, silly. These are goats. 

 (Photo: Wikimedia Commons)

4. This goat is eating grass! Staying well-fed and hydrated is a healthy way of dealing with exam stress.

 (Photo: Wikimedia Commons)

5. These goats know how to chill out. You should take a page from their book and quit harping on me about what kind of animals are in these pictures.

 (Photo: Wikimedia Commons)

6. Aww, look! It’s a fuzzy goat.

 (Photo: Wikimedia Commons)

7. Geez, will you shut up about alpacas for one damn minute? Why the hell would I put pictures of alpacas in an article about goats?

 (Photo: Wikimedia Commons)

8. The photographer of these two goats really knew how to get an image in focus.  Maybe if you would focus on your studying instead of babbling about so-called “alpacas” you wouldn’t be flunking half of your classes.

 (Photo: Wikimedia Commons)

9. Did you ever stop to think that the person writing an article about GOATS might know better than you what a GOAT is? No. You didn’t. You only ever think about yourself.

 (Photo: Wikimedia Commons)

10. F*** you! It’s a GOAT. Shut up shut up shut up shut up.

 (Photo: Wikimedia Commons)

  11. You know what? I give up. I labored tirelessly for hours to bring you eleven cute pictures of goats so YOU could feel special for once and not worry so much about your midterms. And how do you thank me? “Alpacas, alpacas, alpacas.” It’s insulting! I mean, it’s one thing to offer some constructive criticism, but “I’m sorry Johnny, I appreciate all your effort, but those just aren’t goats” is by far the rudest possible response to an article specifically written about goats. I don’t know how I could have been clearer about the topic. It says “goats” in the title, all of the captions say “goat” in them, and all of the pictures are of goats. But despite my painstaking work to make it explicitly clear just what kind of animal you were looking at, you took every opportunity to disregard my efforts and start spouting your “alpaca” bullshit again.

If you didn’t like the goats, you could have just said so and this whole thing could have been avoided, but nOoOoO you just HAD to pin it on me somehow, didn’t you? All you had to do was tell me you weren’t interested, and I would have been fine. Well, I would have been a little sad. But that’s ok! Not everyone is sophisticated enough to appreciate goats’ long, fluffy necks or to marvel at their uncanny resemblance to llamas. The way to deal with that kind of mental and emotional deficiency, though, is not making up ridiculous accusations about me using pictures of some other farm animal entirely!

And while we’re on the topic, just what is an “alpaca” supposed to be anyway? If you can’t use what you learned in kindergarten to recognize what animal you’re looking at, fine. I can almost understand mistaking my goats for something more familiar — perhaps a horse disguised in a curly wig. But making up an imaginary animal that “coincidentally” looks and acts kind of like a goat? It’s insanity!

Well, guess what. It’s over. You’ve escalated this way too far, and I’m so tired of having this conversation with you that I don’t even care anymore. You go sit on your throne of feigned farm-animal fluency, and when you bomb your tests next week, know that this was all your fault. God, you’re insufferable.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact the Humor section at humor ‘at’ stanforddaily.com.


Johnny Dollard '24 is studying Materials Science and likes to think he's really funny. If you agree, you can tell him so at humor 'at' stanforddaily.com. If not, no need to feel bad about yourself. Some people take longer than others to develop an appreciation for humor, and you might just need to reread his articles a few hundred times to catch up to everyone around you.

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