Humor by Michael Espinosa
Everyone’s experienced that unshakeable feeling of helplessness when you realize that your actions matter little compared to the expanse of the infinite universe. So if you need to cry on campus, here are the places you should know.
You might as well cry because you need to travel so far to get here.
- On the floor of your room
This is fine if you’re in a single, but if you have roommates they’ll give you a weird look and ask you to come out from under the bed.
- Lathrop 24-hour study space
Solid option because everyone else is crying too.
- Roof of McMurtry
Make sure to come on a night when there isn’t a couple already there hooking up — unless you’re into that kind of thing. The view of campus will definitely make you think about how much easier things were when you were a kid and make you want to start it all over.
- East and West Oval Groves
The groves that flank the Oval are pretty secluded in the daytime, but if you want to go at night, no one will bother you because it’s so dark. Definitely would recommend this spot in the spring and summer when those warm evening breezes will make you question if things will really be better if you go to grad school. (Spoiler: They won’t be.)
- Green Library West Stacks
Walk into Green Library through the Bing Wing entrance, and take the elevator on your right to the third floor. There you’ll find desks covered in books about Russian history, a really low ceiling and a frosted window that lets in like no daylight. It’s the most depressing place on campus, and where I actually studied every night during my freshman year. Crying here is great; it’s a small space that’s always empty and has bathrooms where you can stare at yourself in the mirror and wonder where it all went wrong.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.