Study finds Americans increasingly divided into those who reject science, those who embrace science to build nuclear weapons

Humor by Prateek Joshi
April 12, 2021, 9:00 p.m.

The latest study on polarization by the Pew Research Center finds that Americans are increasingly divided into those who dangerously and baselessly reject the scientific consensus and those who harness centuries of scientific progress to build highly sophisticated weapons of mass destruction.

“We’ve found that the percentage of people who either understand nothing about basic science or who understand just enough to build a nuclear warhead is at an all-time high,” explained Pew Research Center President Michael Dimock, who also pointed out a growing divide in technology use among the adult populace.

“Since the early 2000s, the vast majority of Americans have just been using computers to send emails. Yet we’re now seeing rising numbers of Americans fall into the following two categories: those who use computers to join online groups that promote dangerous conspiracy theories and those who use computers to develop the advanced algorithms that facilitate the spread of those very same conspiracy theories.”

The study concluded with the optimistic finding that these highly polarized groups of people have more in common than they believe.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

Prateek, a former editor-in-chief of Brown University’s satirical newspaper (The Brown Noser), signed with the Stanford Daily’s satire section in free agency. He also had one glorious month-long stint contributing headlines to The Onion, none of which were published. Feel free to send him article suggestions and harsh criticism at pjoshi2 ‘at’ His favorite hobby is getting an M.S. in Civil and Environmental Engineering (Class of 2021), focusing on sustainable energy systems. When he’s not satirizing, he’s fervently searching for whoever had the nerve to claim the “pjoshi1” email username.

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