New IKEA store just large pile of unassembled concrete and rebar

Humor by

Sources report that a new IKEA store, replacing an old one in East Palo Alto, Calif., is just one large pile of unassembled concrete and rebar. The Swedish retail company, famous for its affordable and ready-to-assemble modernist furniture, recently announced plans to branch out into the market of affordable and ready-to-assemble buildings.

“We’re always experimenting with minimalist and avant-garde products and this massive pile of concrete and rebar is no exception,” explained IKEA designer Andreas Fredriksson, who noted that the raw materials also come with a handy booklet of instructions. “Our customers have long appreciated the DIY nature of our furniture, and our stores have always been such an immersive experience. So, the natural next step is to transition to DIY stores to further enhance the customer experience.”

The instruction booklet, which contains mostly pictures, specifies that with only two cranes, a hammer, some nails, three screws, a carpenter crew, an electrician crew, a mechanical engineering subcontractor and a geotechnical excavation team, the user can have the building assembled in as few as 18 months.

“This will drive down the cost of our contemporary and stylish EKENÄSET armchairs and GAMLEHULT ottomans even more,” Fredriksson said.

Once the customer assembles the store, IKEA will reportedly supply them with the necessary ingredients to make their own elderflower marmalade in the cafeteria. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

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Prateek, a former editor-in-chief of Brown University’s satirical newspaper (The Brown Noser), signed with the Stanford Daily’s satire section in free agency. He also had one glorious month-long stint contributing headlines to The Onion, none of which were published. Feel free to send him article suggestions and harsh criticism at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu. His favorite hobby is getting an M.S. in Civil and Environmental Engineering (Class of 2021), focusing on sustainable energy systems. When he’s not satirizing, he’s fervently searching for whoever had the nerve to claim the “pjoshi1” email username.