Biden admits infrastructure plan just excuse to go for strolls on bridges

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Earlier this week, President Joe Biden admitted at a press conference that his primary motive for proposing the recent 2.3 billion dollar infrastructure plan was so that he could go on day trips to America’s many beautiful bridges.

“Trump never said this, but I will. America has bridges. These big, beautiful bridges, we’ve got so many of them, on the coast, on other places,” said Biden, staring unblinking into the middle distance. “I’d like to stroll. Across all of them, all our beautiful … the infrastructure. I knew they’d let me visit the bridges if I said it was for work.” 

Vice President Kamala Harris has remained supportive of the plan, admitting that she, too, misses having more time to spend on long walks with Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff. 

“America knows that the Biden Administration is a champion of working families,” said Harris. “Particularly two working families, who just want to eat croissants while taking a daytime promenade like anybody else. That’s really what this plan is about.”

“Women can be anything nowadays … they can be vice president, they can be First Lady, they can be the pretty girl with nice gams riding her bike down the bridge,” Biden said. “It doesn’t matter who you are, in this country, I can see you on a bridge.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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Lana Tleimat '23 (... maybe '24) is the Managing Editor of Humor. She is from Columbus, Ohio, and isn't really studying anything. Contact her at ltleimat 'at' stanforddaily.com.