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Local Chuck E. Cheese’s unsure whether to embrace or condemn rodent infestation

Humor by

According to an investigative report, a local branch of Chuck E. Cheese’s can’t decide whether to embrace or condemn their rodent infestation. A Bay Area location of the family entertainment center chain, which was originally founded in San Jose, CA, has been suffering from a severe infestation and can’t decide whether to finally succumb to the mice. 

“With California announcing plans to fully re-open its economy on June 15, we’ve been scrambling to test out a variety of tactics to keep the mice at bay, including traps and poison,” explained CEO David McKillips, who also noted that perhaps the company owes it to these mice to let them stay. “Mice are sort of our thing. They’re what we’re known for. Who would we be to abandon them at this particularly difficult time, especially after their loyalty during our bankruptcy proceedings last year? But this still seems kind of gross.”

The cause of the rodent infestation is currently unclear, with some pointing to the leftover scraps of pizza strewn everywhere when the building was abruptly abandoned last year due to COVID-19 and others attributing it to the giant anthropomorphic mouse that serves as the official mascot. “If we embrace the mice, their droppings become an additional health concern for our nervous customers who are already spooked by COVID,” mused McKillips. “But if we condemn the mice, we lose sight of the subtle forces that brought us to power in the family entertainment and restaurant business.”

At press time, Chuck E. Cheese’s was still suffering from this existential identity crisis. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

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Prateek, a former editor-in-chief of Brown University’s satirical newspaper (The Brown Noser), signed with the Stanford Daily’s satire section in free agency. He also had one glorious month-long stint contributing headlines to The Onion, none of which were published. Feel free to send him article suggestions and harsh criticism at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu. His favorite hobby is getting an M.S. in Civil and Environmental Engineering (Class of 2021), focusing on sustainable energy systems. When he’s not satirizing, he’s fervently searching for whoever had the nerve to claim the “pjoshi1” email username.