Senate negotiates infrastructure bill down to two-mile stretch of highway near Area 51

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In a move to assuage moderate Democrats and potentially win some Republican votes, the U.S. Senate has negotiated a sweeping infrastructure package down to a two-mile stretch of highway near Area 51. Senators Joe Manchin (D-WV) and Susan Collins (R-ME), who were the lead negotiators of this bipartisan $500,000 appropriation, promoted this bill as a way to shore up the nation’s crumbling critical infrastructure.

“This is a historic investment that will help us rebuild the economy and put a dozen or so people back to work,” Senator Manchin proclaimed just before discussing the need to fix the broken water pipes at Alamo Fireworks and repair its renowned firecracker — reportedly the largest in the world. “We need to get that firecracker operational again for future generations of Americans.”

Senator Collins, in her remarks, focused on the planned retrofits to the historic Area 51 Alien Center, and further proposed to update the billboard that hasn’t been changed substantially since President Johnson’s Great Society programs in the 1960s.

“We’re planning to strip out the outdated HVAC system and install some high-efficiency heat pumps, and also replace the seven electrical distribution poles that provide electricity to this stretch of highway,” Collins explained, noting that with a couple of rooftop solar panels thrown in, these bold steps approach President Biden’s commitment to reduce U.S. greenhouse gas emissions to 50-52% below 2005 levels by 2030.

Biden White House officials stressed they would not support any bill that did not include at least one electric vehicle charger at the Fastrip Fuel gas station adjacent to the Alien Center.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

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Prateek, a former editor-in-chief of Brown University’s satirical newspaper (The Brown Noser), signed with the Stanford Daily’s satire section in free agency. He also had one glorious month-long stint contributing headlines to The Onion, none of which were published. Feel free to send him article suggestions and harsh criticism at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu. His favorite hobby is getting an M.S. in Civil and Environmental Engineering (Class of 2021), focusing on sustainable energy systems. When he’s not satirizing, he’s fervently searching for whoever had the nerve to claim the “pjoshi1” email username.