Total bummer! Last week, a bunch of Stanford athletes got together and stole my idea to spray unintelligible nonsense in chalk all over Building 10. Now everyone’s gonna think I’m some sort of copycat!

See, I had been cooking up this awesome plan to draw a bunch of numbers and symbols all over the president’s office, just really make a mess, but it’s not like I can follow through with it now. Everyone was gonna walk by it and think, “Jesus, why would anybody do that?” But I’ve lost my chance. 

I was going to bestow these hallowed sandstone halls with some unidentifiable symbols and a gross imperative with an out-of-service phone number underneath. Maybe even sprinkle in some genitals, just as a little nod to the classics. But these bozos beat me to it. Ugh!

Not to mention how cool it would have been to write a series of meaningless combinations of numbers and letters that fail to communicate. I wanted to be the one to confuse passersby with acronyms that could mean pretty much anything — Keep Stanford ‘Restling? Kayaking Seems Relevant? KISS, Stop Releasingmusicplease? Now if I went and wrote my own jumble of letters (JHON, for example) a dozen times on the president’s office, like I’ve been planning to do for ages, it would be dismissed as weak parody. So lame!

And as someone with no concern for Stanford’s service workers, it should have been me that created 80 hours of extra work for them. I just can’t believe my luck.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.