Humor

At least the Royal Family’s imperialism is inclusive

May 9, 2021, 7:28 p.m.

Following allegations of racism in an Oprah Winfrey interview of Prince Harry (ex-Briton) and Meghan Markle (reinstated American), Prince William (persistent Briton) insisted that the royals are “very much not a racist family.” It is true that the allegations came as a surprise to many readers of The Occasionally who recognized the British family to be a beacon of racial progress throughout the world. 

Sources close to Buckingham Palace claimed that their eternal devotion to diversity and inclusion is emphasized by their willingness to colonize countries in Africa and Asia: “We wanted to ensure that people of all races, cultures, colors and religions could come together under British imperial rule.” (Although Occasionally reporters traveled to the Accra mausoleum for a closer look, the ghost of Kwame Nkrumah declined to comment on the matter.)

The Crown has made quite difficult strides to address racism under British rule. A senior palace aide told Harper’s Bazaar that there are preliminary plans to hire a “diversity tsar,” after the titles “diversity raja” and “diversity sultan” were met with royal concern. It has additionally been noted that the Queen is “listening and learning,” although various commentators have reported that she was not wearing her hearing aid upon making this comment. 

On the Royal Household’s website, it is stated that the Royal Household seeks to “employ and reward the very best talent, regardless of gender, race, ethnic or national origin, disability, religion, sexual orientation, or age” and that this is “how [it seeks] out future potential too, recruiting from the widest available pool.” While evaluation of its treatment of gender, race, ethnic or national origin, disability, religion and sexual orientation may be subject to debate, one cannot possibly deny the insistence of the Royal Family on employing and rewarding age: It is 1,194 (and a half!) years old, only a few years younger than the Queen herself. 

While efforts to address the Crown’s racism are a month underway (and only a few centuries overdue), we are proud to announce that with the death of Prince Philip, it finally appears that the archaic monarchy has taken steps to improve upon its racist legacy. Maybe old dogs can learn new tricks.

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