Class of 2021, you’ve been dealt a pretty terrible hand. Missing out on half your college experience, graduating into a recession … nobody has it worse than you — except maybe the class of 2020, I guess. So before you go bravely forth into these uncharted waters with only a piece of pretty cardstock for a paddle, hear my advice.
Don’t be afraid to find new passions
Given that you are beginning your professional career during what is likely to be the end of the world, you’ll soon need to embrace the barter economy. I’m preparing for these less-precedented times by rounding out the “ditch digging” and “animal husbandry” columns on my resume. The anarcho-vegan cults won’t care if you know C++, only that you can grow a damn parsnip (without it being devoured by mutant groundhogs, of course). When our sole currency is backed by units of breathable air, the brand managers and UX designers will be the first to go.
Know it’s not your fault
The next few years are gonna be tough. When you’ve exhausted your savings, when you’ve applied for twenty jobs and not heard back from any of them, when you simply can’t bear to go on, don’t blame yourself. Blame God. What the f***, God. You let us do this to ourselves?
Start investing early
If population diagrams have an ounce of credibility, Social Security isn’t going to be around for much longer. Whoopsie daisy! So thank your parents for making themselves the last upwardly mobile generation and start saving. And I don’t just mean money — save plastic bags, old underwear, the skeletons of your beloved family pets. If this year has taught us anything, it’s that you just don’t know when one random object is going to suddenly become very, very important. Oh, and keep all your savings in cash, somewhere known only to you. Trust no one, especially not the banks.
Stay on top of your debt
You probably have some student loans. Don’t fret! Sure, they have incredibly high interest rates, and sure, they literally cannot be escaped unless you pay up or die — but every generation has had its problems. Control your debt, don’t let it control you! Set up a payment plan and stick to it. Otherwise the debt man will come for you, and he only accepts payments of blood. He won’t kill you, but he’ll make you wish you were dead. So call the loan servicer and turn on automatic payments. Because when the time comes, he’ll know where to find you.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.