The Stanford Office of Undergraduate Admissions announced last week that the admissions rate for the Class of 2025 dropped to an all-time low: only 3.95 impressive students were admitted to the Class of 2025 cohort.

One student, having recently completed medical school at Harvard, decided to pursue her passion for mechanical engineering at Stanford before beginning her residency. She will also proudly represent Stanford as the first woman ever recruited for the Cardinal football team. With her remarkable sense of humor, her unmatched resilience and her dedication to real social change, we cannot wait to watch her Stanford journey unfold. 

Joining her will be Mary Shelley, back from the dead to clear up some of her diction in “Frankenstein.” She will major in Comp Lit, and we expect her time here will transform the lives of generations of high school juniors to come.

The third student comes to us from the Upper West Side of Manhattan. He will learn how to manage his trust fund and will somehow dodge the WAY-ED requirement. We look forward to reporting on the growth of his personal wealth.

The last student, who has already expressed that they will not attend classes in person, is truly a mystery to us all. In a performance-art-style act of defiance, they revealed no personal information in their application except for their email address. Their actions draw attention to the monotony and dehumanization of the college application process. Despite the Office of Admissions’ repeated attempts to mail them an acceptance letter, they refuse to participate in formal communication with the University. We aren’t even sure this student will attend, but we are giving them the benefit of the doubt. Given Stanford’s culture of acceptance, we know they will feel right at home here.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.