McConnell hesitantly joins climate coalition after getting 6-pack ring stuck around neck

Humor by Brandon Rupp
Nov. 3, 2021, 8:40 p.m.

It seems as if a recent, tragic series of events has fundamentally shifted former Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s view on the pressing issue of climate change. In a televised speech this weekend where the senator slowly chewed spinach, McConnell announced an unlikely collaboration between himself and the co-sponsors of the Green New Deal, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Senator Ed Markey. In his emotional plea to the country, he explains his sudden change of heart, indicating that a recent accident at a Kentucky beach sparked the change. 

According to McConnell, after laying eggs on the shore, he was attempting to swim through the water to investigate a pile of trash when he got his head stuck inside of a plastic 6-pack Coca-Cola ring. 

After a grueling, eight-hour medical procedure, where McConnell was declared medically dead four times, doctors at the University of Kentucky Albert B. Chandler Hospital were able to remove the ring, leaving him with even more gruesome facial deformities.

“He seems to really have come out of his shell as a result of this tragedy,” said Washington analyst Nadia Reelpersun, “and he’s right when he says that we really need to look out for our defenseless, simple-minded underwater friends.”

For further evidence of his robust character development, just take a look at his latest press release regarding a scheduled event with the Stanford College Republicans, which says that “the Senator seeks to make the argument that maybe emitting cancer air into the atmosphere 24/7 is a … bad idea(?).”

This seems to be a significant year for the senator from Kentucky, who was also recently tapped to play Squirtle in the live-action remake of the first Pokémon film. Hopefully, this turn of the tide means McConnell can go from TIME Magazine’s “Most Hated Man in America” to simply TIME Magazine’s “Man in America”.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Brandon Rupp '25 is the Vol. 263 Music Desk Editor and a columnist for the Arts & Life section who has also written for Humor. Contact him at rupp 'at' to tell him how much you respect his rigid journalistic integrity (or to send him music to take a look at). He appreciates that you are reading his bio.

Login or create an account