Humor

Seeking compromise, Democrats suggest legal dissolution of entire nation

Humor by Ben Lees
Nov. 8, 2021, 10:00 p.m.

Recent years have seen sharply escalating political tensions and polarization. More and more votes in Congress fall along party lines, and public debate has never been so hostile. Yet the Democratic Party’s leadership is working harder than ever to heal those divides.

In a speech last month, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) lamented this contentious climate: “Where is our unity?” she demanded, as if that was something that had ever existed in the country. “In the words of Abraham Lincoln, a house divided against itself cannot stand. Our first priority must be finding common ground so we can move forward together. Frivolous things like protecting voting rights or passing highly popular policies must wait.”

Those words will now be backed up by concrete action. This week, House Democrats proposed new legislation that would legally dissolve the entire United States. According to the bill’s sponsors, the measure is intended to win over Republican legislators.

“The Republican agenda seems calculated to hasten the demise of our country by whatever means possible,” the statement reads in part. “By offering them their exact goal, we indicate our desire to maintain a congenial relationship with our friends across the aisle. We demonstrate our willingness to compromise the integrity of our nation. After all, bipartisanship is the highest virtue of any political agenda.”

When asked what, specifically, might be demanded in return for this concession, sponsors said, “Oh, we’ll work that out once this is all settled.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Ben at humor 'at' stanforddaily.com.

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