Stanford students have a clear aversion to wearing bike helmets. Much like putting on sunscreen and brushing your teeth, helmet use is a loose suggestion old people give us, rarely based on actual practice. However, Stanford’s administrators have noticed the low rates of helmet usage, and the higher-ups are determined to help us prioritize our safety.

Those of you who filled out Stanford Transportation’s annual survey might remember a question about how to encourage students to wear helmets. Well, the results are in, and it looks like the only way is to adopt a planned bike crash program. Of the options given, 25% of respondents reported they would wear a helmet if it was more socially acceptable, 35% said they would if MTL made a TikTok about the danger of concussions and an impressive 95% of students would wear a helmet if they got in a crash.

Because I am invested in my hair looking stunning constantly, I forwent my helmet mid-Week 2. I don’t think anything could make me wear it again except getting t-boned by an 18-wheeler. Turns out, Stanford Transportation has our backs. An anonymous whistle-blower from within the administration reported last week that beginning next quarter, Stanford Transportation will begin rolling out a comprehensive bike crash program to encourage helmet use. Students who indicated on their form that getting in a crash would make them wear a helmet can anticipate a near-death experience sometime during winter quarter. For students like me who just need a little nudge (or a little head-on collision, as the case may be) to begin wearing a helmet, help is on the way!

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.