Stanford Transportation to start hitting bikers with cars to encourage helmet use

Humor by Sosi Day
Nov. 16, 2021, 9:04 p.m.

Stanford students have a clear aversion to wearing bike helmets. Much like putting on sunscreen and brushing your teeth, helmet use is a loose suggestion old people give us, rarely based on actual practice. However, Stanford’s administrators have noticed the low rates of helmet usage, and the higher-ups are determined to help us prioritize our safety.

Those of you who filled out Stanford Transportation’s annual survey might remember a question about how to encourage students to wear helmets. Well, the results are in, and it looks like the only way is to adopt a planned bike crash program. Of the options given, 25% of respondents reported they would wear a helmet if it was more socially acceptable, 35% said they would if MTL made a TikTok about the danger of concussions and an impressive 95% of students would wear a helmet if they got in a crash.

Because I am invested in my hair looking stunning constantly, I forwent my helmet mid-Week 2. I don’t think anything could make me wear it again except getting t-boned by an 18-wheeler. Turns out, Stanford Transportation has our backs. An anonymous whistle-blower from within the administration reported last week that beginning next quarter, Stanford Transportation will begin rolling out a comprehensive bike crash program to encourage helmet use. Students who indicated on their form that getting in a crash would make them wear a helmet can anticipate a near-death experience sometime during winter quarter. For students like me who just need a little nudge (or a little head-on collision, as the case may be) to begin wearing a helmet, help is on the way!

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Sosi at humor 'at'

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