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Rodgers thanks Berkeley education, Joe Rogan for ‘immunization plan’

Humor by and

Despite his pioneering work with his former UC Berkeley professors and podcast host/medical expert Joseph Rogan M.D. to develop a detailed “immunization” plan, Green Bay Packers quarterback and vaunted UC Berkeley alumnus Aaron Rodgers miraculously tested positive for COVID-19.

Rodgers expressed cosmic gratitude to Rogan and the Berkeley community for their support of him during this tough time.

“The woke mob is after me,” Rodgers said during a press conference while sipping from a keg of Ivermectin. “But it’s my body, my choice. I’m glad that the courageous protesters at my alma mater are spreading my message. Not sure why they were carrying uterus posters and talking about women’s rights though.”

The Cal football team appeared to pay tribute to their beloved alumnus this past weekend when 44 of their players and coaches followed in his footsteps by testing positive for COVID-19.

“We stand in solidarity with Aaron,” said Cal head coach Justin Wilcox. “To further show our support, we will refrain from winning a conference championship game for the next 20 years.”

Rodgers and the team will be holding a group consultation with Rogan to see if there is any way to undo the dastardly effects of the vaccine for the Cal players. Rogan assured the student-athletes that through a delicate medley of hypnosis, homeopathy and kickboxing, they would be able to reverse the negative effects of the vaccine, which the players are now blaming for their loss to the dreadful Arizona Wildcats.

Cal announced Wednesday that the University has granted Rogan an honorary degree for his brave contributions to medicine. Rodgers will speak at the award ceremony, which will take place during halftime at the Big Game.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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Tammer Bagdasarian '24 is a Desk Editor for the Grad Student beat at The Daily, and is planning to major in Communication and Political Science. In his free time he likes to hang out with University Desk Editor Benjamin Zaidel. Contact the news sections at news 'at' stanforddaily.com.
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Drew Silva is a writer for the sports section. He is a sophomore from Pawtucket, Rhode Island studying computer science and symbolic systems. His favorite teams include the New England Patriots and Boston Celtics. You can find him watching NFL Redzone on Sundays.