Last week, the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops released a statement clarifying who is entitled to receive Communion, though it falls short of restricting anyone from it. Though the statement mentions no politician by name, it comes as some quarters push toward denying communion to politicians who, according to some, go against the Church’s teachings by displaying outward resentment of their neighbors.
While no source would go on the record, many bishops expressed their disappointment at politicians’ lack of commitment to Christian doctrine. “Christ himself asks us to love our neighbors,” said one bishop, who asked to remain anonymous. “How can one call oneself ‘Christian’ one moment and slander human beings as ‘illegals’ the next? It’s simply outrageous to offer the Eucharist to such a hypocrite.”
Similar opinions dominate among religious authorities, but some disagree on the meaning of their religion. “The purpose of Christianity is simply to give the appearance of moral weight to your opinions,” another anonymous source said. “The Church has long regarded scripture as simply a tool for legitimizing whatever political aim you already held.”
The final statement takes an indirect angle, avoiding names but noting that public servants have special moral responsibilities in accordance with their positions — Christian grace indeed.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.