Vaccine-hesitant conservatives face dilemma upon learning CBD prevents COVID-19

Humor by Ben Lees
Feb. 1, 2022, 9:03 p.m.

Though a deadly pandemic is ravaging the nation, many Americans remain hesitant to receive a free, life-saving vaccine, looking instead for alternate remedies. Conservatives have looked in particular to the malaria drug hydroxychloroquine and the anti-parasitic Ivermectin.

Now, another alternative has appeared, but the new option leaves anti-vaxxers in a moral dilemma. Sufficient quantities of the cannabis product CBD may prevent COVID-19 infection, or lessen its symptoms.

Mary Enman, of Newport Beach, Calif., has long held reservations about the COVID-19 vaccines.

“You don’t know what you’re putting in your body,” Enman said, pointing to a publicly-available list of ingredients. “What is this ‘sodium chloride’ thing, anyway?” she added, pointing to one item in the list.

She’s also a staunch opponent of marijuana legalization and decriminalization, calling cannabis “a plant of the Devil.” Upon hearing the news, she felt a deep inner conflict welling.

“I just didn’t know what to think,” she said. “On the one hand, this is the kind of thing I’d usually jump at. There’s exactly one unreplicated study making this claim, and it fills my overwhelming desire to find an alternative to the vaccine.” Yet, Enman found it difficult to reconcile this with her views on cannabis.

At press time, Enman had resolved to have it both ways, embarking on a clandestine operation to obtain CBD oil while concealing her use from friends and family.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Ben at humor 'at' stanforddaily.com.

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