Report: Sorry, no article this week — busy with midterms

Humor by Ben Lees
Feb. 14, 2022, 8:13 p.m.

According to a report released Friday, I’m sorry to say that I didn’t have time to write an article this week, due to my busy midterm schedule. The report reads in part, “I’m really trying my best here, but things are really fast-paced, and sometimes work just piles up when I’m not looking.”

Sources confirmed that it had always been my intention to write an article this week, as I do every week, but life just got in the way. “I have, you know, three p-sets due really soon, and I have to go to office hours for each of them,” the author of the report, who preferred to remain anonymous, said. “Then I have to study for my midterms and write an essay — but once I’m done with all that, I’ll start writing right away,” the report’s author added.

The report comes during what students call “midterm season,” the period during which courses most frequently administer exams. Midterm season generally spans roughly Week 2 to Week 9 of the 10-week quarter. During this time, students are frequently known to flake on commitments and exhibit erratic sleep schedules.

Though the report remains optimistic about the chances for an article next week, sources reported that I had been last seen playing Quordle, my notes on differential equations lying abandoned on my desk.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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