On Tuesday, BP announced a new campaign to limit carbon emissions, calling it “stop burning fossil fuels, you won’t.” The initiative is the latest in a series of measures, announced in February 2020, intended to reach net-zero carbon emissions by 2050.

“Oh, so you care so much about carbon emissions? Just stop buying our products then,” said CEO Bernard Loomey. “You claim it’s bad to spill 200 million gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico, covering 70,000 square miles of the ocean and killing scores of sea animals. But at the same time, you keep driving gasoline-powered cars and buying products packaged in and made of petroleum-based plastic. Isn’t it really all your fault for enabling us?”

Lawmakers have responded to the announcement with approval, saying the new strategy simplifies their role. “See, before they pointed this out, I was seriously considering regulation on fossil fuel producers, like limiting drilling and requiring stricter safety practices,” said one member of Congress. “Now I see that it’s all really the consumer’s fault, and I don’t need to take any of the blame. It’s a real weight off my back.”

At press time, BP was announcing plans to expand its ocean-based drilling, citing a spike in demand for petroleum products.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.