In an effort to improve user retention, LinkedIn unveiled a new setting on Tuesday that allows users to automatically block all profiles of people more accomplished than them.
“We found that allowing users to block more impressive peers raises their self-esteem,” said research director Lorrie Haynes. “The setting works by calculating the prestigiousness of other people’s job titles, companies and schools — objective measurements for comparing their worth to yours. For instance, if you went to Stanford, you receive +3 points. If you went to Berkeley, -400 points. Profiles superior to yours get automatically blocked from your feed, so you feel better about your middling achievements in comparison.”
Haynes shared that this setting will block Forbes 30 Under 30 scholars, Harvard-educated lawyers-turned-CEOs-turned-thought-leaders and dogs who interned at Google, unless you happen to be better than them, which you aren’t. She added, “You can easily turn off the setting if you’re tired of your LinkedIn feed being completely empty.”
“We are beyond grateful and thrilled to announce this new setting,” said spokesperson Winnie Robertson at the launch event. She added that LinkedIn will next develop a chatbot that psychologically manipulates passionate, motivated people to stop following their dreams.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.