Freshman wastes summer spending quality time with loved ones and relaxing

Humor by Grace Zhou
June 1, 2022, 5:56 p.m.

According to friends, freshman Josh Reaves plans to completely waste his summer by relaxing at home and spending quality time with loved ones. 

While most freshmen have plans to work or conduct research this summer, Reaves opted instead to be a lazy good-for-nothing and lounge around the house, pursuing his personal interests and helping his aging parents.

“I can’t believe he’d rather spend summer with his family than coworkers twenty years older than him,” said Reaves’s freshman roommate Kyle Larson, who hasn’t seen his family in eleven months and counting. “Staying home and passing time with your loved ones doesn’t help your career one bit. He’s losing out on valuable networking opportunities.” 

Sources close to the unproductive student confirmed that Reaves will do little more than engage in pointless hobbies that bring him joy and watch his baby sister grow up in front of his eyes this summer.

“He has no interest whatsoever in doing an internship that sounds prestigious to other people but will actually assign him menial tasks and crush his soul,” said classmate Miles Thorsted, who will be working eighty hours a week at a consulting firm this summer. “I would hate to be him.”

Classmates told The Daily that Reaves is “unambitious” during the school year as well, citing his refusal to stay up late studying for midterms because he puts his health and well-being before his grades. “While everyone else is constantly grinding for their futures, Josh finds satisfaction and fulfillment in the present,” said classmate Carmen Reyes. “Unbelievable.”

“He’s going to regret spending three months forming deeper bonds with his family and friends,” said dormmate Maia Agarwal of the deadbeat student. “He could’ve spent all that precious time at the bottom ranks of a large corporation, making Excel spreadsheets.” 

“When we get back, people will ask him about what he did this summer, and he’ll have to tell them he cherished time with his family and pursued activities meaningful to him,” she added. “How embarrassing.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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