How to find cheap summer housing if you’re not doing a tech, consulting or finance internship

Humor by Rebecca Jia
June 2, 2022, 2:25 p.m.

It’s almost summer break, and you have secured your non-tech, non-consulting, non-finance, non-sell-out, low-paying-but-actually-improving-the-world-for-the-better internship. Congratulations! 

But there’s one problem: you procrastinated on finding summer housing, and now, there seem to be no more suitable, cheap housing options in the New York/San Francisco/Los Angeles/Seattle/Boston area. Well, have no fear! Here are some helpful hacks to find the perfect place at the perfect price:

  1. Sell some of your non-essential organs to increase your buying power: There are so many organs that the human body doesn’t need. By keeping these organs, you’re wasting valuable money that could go towards your summer housing! You can start off small — the spleen is important to the immune system, but don’t let that piece of information sway you from selling it. The liver can take over many of its functions just fine. If you’re feeling more daring, you can auction off your least-favorite kidney. 
  2. Sneak into the trunk of someone’s car: If you think about it, you’ll be doing so many fun things in the summer that you’ll only need your summer housing for sleeping, which is why all you have to do is sneak into someone’s car trunk. It’s easy. Just follow someone home, hijack their car, and you have yourself a shiny new crib for the summer!
  3. Live in a tech giant’s guest house without them noticing: This one is simple. Pretend to be a gardener, and then sneak through a window to one of Elon Musk’s guest houses. He won’t even notice that one of the 28 rooms in his mansion has a stranger in it. If this doesn’t work, try Mark Zuckerberg’s five-house estate in Palo Alto.
  4. Don’t sleep: Since you will mainly use your summer house for sleeping, a simple solution to not having summer housing is to not sleep! You’ve practiced not sleeping so many times throughout your academic career that you’re finally ready to test your skills with the ultimate challenge — staying awake for 2,016 hours!

Now that you know these quick and dirty tips for affordable summer housing, you’re ready to begin your internship and start changing the world! 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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