R&DE has been diligently gathering data and feedback from students on residential and student life. Based on this feedback, next year, they will be rolling out a brand new housing system that simultaneously addresses the inefficiencies of the current system and solves one of the most pressing problems plaguing Stanford students of all class years — the Stanford dating scene.
Unlike this quarter, where students are assigned a time slot to select their residence and room assignment, next year, students will instead return to ranking their housing preferences within their neighborhoods. In addition, students will now also be required to rank classmates they find attractive.
“We found that students rarely have spare time to devote to finding a significant other because of their already time-intensive commitments to academics, extracurriculars, friends, and sleep, so we wanted to implement a system that would make finding a partner as convenient as possible. When assigning housing, the system will consider both the housing rankings and the classmate rankings and attempt to put classmates who find each other attractive in the same residence to give students more opportunities during their busy schedules to find a partner during the academic year,” and R&DE representative said.
To facilitate this new focus on the dating scene at Stanford, R&DE will also be rolling out a stipend program for students to take each other out on dates off campus, instead of at dining halls. The application-based program will be called “SINGL,” which stands for “Stipend Intended for Not Getting Lonely.”
“The new housing assignment system and SINGL are just some of the many innovative new systems and programs we plan on pioneering next year. We are also currently working on an initiative that will address students’ desires to save money by cooking for themselves,” an R&DE financial representative explained. “We have received many emails about allowing students to have stoves in EVGR-A residences, for example, so we’ve decided to open up a brand-new stove hub right next to EVGR-A. Students will be able to rent a stove by the hour at the hub, at the low price of just $89.99 per hour!”
R&DE is excited to launch these various programs in the upcoming school year, and the University hopes that these feedback-based changes will help enrich students’ lives and help them to thrive in all aspects of their lives at Stanford.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.