In an effort to improve access to job opportunities, BEAM has announced that at the upcoming career fair students will be able to drop their resumes directly into the trash can.

“Students will no longer have to endure long lines, have awkward conversation or wait to hear back from a company indefinitely, their hope in humanity slowly dwindling. Just toss your resume directly into the trash, and you’re good to go!” said BEAM spokesperson Tom Vaughan.

Over 100 companies will be at the fair this Friday, directing students to crumple up their resumes and chuck them into trash cans decorated with their company logos. “We’re excited about this new way of finding talent for our company,” said Kyla Jergens, a recruiter. “It saves both us and the students a lot of time.” When asked what her company will do with the trashed resumes after the career fair, she said, “We’ll recycle all of them to make sure they don’t go to waste. Then we’ll carefully consider the people we actually care about, our friends’ kids.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.