Breaking: Students starve to death in Stern line

Humor by Caroline Wei
Oct. 31, 2022, 10:47 p.m.

It’s the sound of 11:00 a.m.-1:30 p.m. rush hour — clinking utensils, scraping chairs and buzzing conversation. But there’s also a strange smell coming from the buffet tables in Stern Dining, and it’s not the food.

“I don’t know when it started happening,” Hristo Ivanov, a freshman Larkin resident, said. “But the kids waiting for lunch just started dropping like flies. The lines aren’t even that long today — turnaround time is seven hours max.” But Ivanov was interrupted by the 115-decibel sound of three dozen stomachs simultaneously grumbling. A quick look into Stern’s dining hall soon revealed the precarious situation.

The buffet tables were still stocked with food, but the lines for the burritos were teeming with students. A corner had been designated to relocate the piling corpses, but there wasn’t enough room. R&DE staffers were sectioning off the area for more students to be able to stand in line. 

When asked why the other non-queue food options weren’t being chosen, Hsu-Hua Lin, a GovCo student who had biked her way to Stern, replied passionately. “The burritos are worth the wait. They always are. I’d rather die than not eat this burrito. “And” — she gestured to the trays of buffet food — “it’s pollock day.”

Something this tragic and at this scale will no doubt be remembered at Stanford for many years to come — with an anticipated increase in death rates as dinner-time specials are introduced. As our crew left the building, we mourned the loss of so many students and tactfully stepped over the body of Lin. May this serve as a warning to all aspiring Stern diners.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Caroline Wei '26, hailing from Houston, TX, writes for The Daily's humor section. She loves singing with her a cappella group and is a staunch fan of science fiction, foosball, dad jokes, and storytelling through writing.

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