Stanford’s Axe and Palm, also known as TAP — with its draping banners and trademark sauces — is a signature dining choice famous for axing many Trees’ bank accounts. Recently, a new case study by Stanford scientists has revealed that buying food from TAP has the same effect on the human brain as a drug addiction.

“TAP’s chipotle sauce and its seasonally changing milkshakes are especially culprit,” said Dr. Ria Mendoza, a chemistry faculty member who led the case study. “They create surges of dopamine that cause students to get on food-induced highs and keep thinking about their next taste.”

With TAP’s introduction of a payment plan that lets students buy meals on an installment system, the campus café is enjoying one of the biggest business booms in its history. Hungry customers have been flooding TAP, overloading the iPad ordering system.

“Now, I can finally eat to my heart’s content,” grad student Erika Mongle commented. “I used to be so stressed out about how I would afford my TAP habit, but with the new payment plan, everything is within reach! It’s definitely an upgrade from my previous situation — now I can look for ways to dig myself out of the mountains of debt that I’m in.”

Employees at TAP declined to comment, but shortly after Mongle’s interview, we caught them counting stacks of bills in the back kitchen.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.