Once a quintessential Stanford tradition, Full Moon on the Quad has fallen through for so long that its original nature is lost to time. Only the seniors have ever experienced a true Full Moon on the Quad, and they did that when they were freshmen, three years longer than the average Stanford student’s memory span. Sunday night, rumors spread that the event would resurface — I went to find out.

I first spoke to Alex Markus ’24, who described himself as a love expert; he claimed he could diagnose the phenomenon precisely. “It’s hard to believe, but in fact, it’s very likely that Stanford students have simply forgotten how to kiss, spending their time on more optimal activities.”

When probed about which activities were more optimal, Alex said, ”Like applying to internships and learning what a transformer is! You know, whatever can get me that sweet sweet SWE money.”

The minute percentage that had even remembered what mouth-to-mouth contact was said it was a little awkward to do the deed in front of their classmates and future co-founders.

I found Will Curry ’26 hidden behind a pillar, clutching high-power binoculars and a video camera, unimpressed by the action. “Yeah, this is like the worst that Stanford has to offer!” he said. “There’s no action whatsoever. I’ve only watched like a couple people kiss.”

Patrick Prasad ’23 told me, while brushing his teeth, “The school should have done more for the event. I‘m starting to think that it‘s not just Stanford that hates fun — the students do too!” Many Stanford students echoed similar sentiments. Even after speaking to everyone on the quad, I couldn‘t think of a better joke than the actual event itself.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.