In honor of Valentine’s Day, Stanford Reveal, a website that allows its users to list eight campus crushes and see if their feelings are reciprocated, has publicly promised to leak the data of only the most drama-inducing lovebirds. When asked to comment on the breach of privacy, Mai Bissness, a representative of Stanford Reveal, told the Occasionally, “If users wanted their data to be private, they wouldn’t make it so interesting! It’s all part of the set-up for this year’s company goal of breaking the public trust — but only the trust of a few lucky individuals.”

Bissness was especially eager to give a few hints on the most interesting duos this year — among them President Marc Tessier-Levigne and Provost Persis Drell. “We’re so glad that our website can be a sort-of-safe space for future couples to meet each other,” Bissness said. “When MTL put Persis as his secret crush, the whole team was so excited.”

“So were the few random strangers we let into our executive meetings every once in a while,” Bissness added.

When asked about her favorite part of her job, Bissness said, “It’s interacting with our clients, for sure. I think of myself as a younger, less frumpy fairy godmother, making wishes come true — or not. You know what another good pair is? Stanford students matched with a good night’s sleep for the 35th year in a row. Sleep’s never reciprocated!” Bissness shook her head, grinning. “Unrequited love is the best. Just don’t tell the Marriage Pact.”

Happy Valentine’s Day, Trees! Word of advice: you can always put your own name into the website. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.