In honor of the Stanford Daily’s 50-year anniversary of independence from the University, the Daily has made its Declaration of Independence, written all the way back in 1973, available to the public. This piece of history details the newspaper’s grievances against the University, as well as its goals as a student-run entity.

Previously, the Daily’s Declaration was tightly secured in a dark closet in the basement of the Daily Building, only allowing access to viewers who jumped up and down and yelled “censorship is dictatorship!” three times in a row.

Fear not, though! The Declaration is now free for all to peruse, released right here for your viewing pleasure: 

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all CS majors are created equal, that they are endowed by their University with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are High Salaries, Job Security and the pursuit of Sunlight. That to secure these rights, Newspapers are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of Students to alleviate STEM fatigue. That whenever any Form of Newspaper becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Students to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Newspaper, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Interests and Representation. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Newspapers long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that Student-kind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Suppression, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such an Institution, and establish a new Newspaper for their future security.”

Next time you have space in your schedule, stop by the Lorry I. Lokey Stanford Daily Building to behold the original document, which has been upgraded from a dark closet to someone’s desk somewhere, probably.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.