To Be, Or Not to Be Biryani: Stanford Dining gets philosophical

Humor by Aaira Goswami
Oct. 31, 2023, 11:27 p.m.

Stanford Dining collaborates with the Stanford Philosophy Department to allow you to philosophically approach your meals everyday.  

You walk into the dining room, swipe your card and smirk. On the placard, you see glorious big words majestically welcoming you as they chant — BIRYANI. It feels comforting. It feels homey. And as you glance down, gleaming, you are suddenly hit with a philosophical question. The pain hits your gut as you scoop through the plain white rice. No meat, no spices, no lentils. It makes you question yourself — to be biryani or not to be?

What is Biryani? A mix of delicious spices? A layered concoction of garam masala, chicken and chili powder? No. This Biryani is meant to enhance your perception of life and the universe by giving ABSOLUTELY NOTHING — it asks you to be optimistic and to find joy in its nothingness. 

Stanford Dining truly thrives on schadenfreude. It challenges Stanford students to dive deep into this gastrointestinal existentialism by implicitly asking you to reference Shakespeare. “To be, or not to be Biryani, that is the question.”

But fear not! This is not where the journey ends. There are more ways in which Stanford Dining fosters our intellectual curiosity. What the school doesn’t provide in proper classes, they compensate for in our everyday meals. Through the Dal Makhani that tastes like plain beans, the lemongrass chicken and other “varieties” that rotate our taste buds every week and salad leaves as dry as the crunchy brown leaf plucked from a maple tree last week, Stanford Dining is a leader in philosophical conversations and personal discovery.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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