Scenes from a Wilbur restaurant

Humor by Eric Heng
Nov. 6, 2023, 9:03 p.m.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

People walking around aimlessly, not really with any direction. Exceedingly mid music playing overhead, bodies lazily milling around at the epicenter of a mosh pit… What are you doing at a Stanford frat party on a Tuesday evening?

Except this isn’t a frat. It’s just Wilbur dining at peak hours. Which is better than Stanford frat parties, because hundreds of people are willing to wait for sweet and sour pork but not in the line to Phi Psi’s Halloween Party. Every once in a while you’ll see someone who recognizes a friend and slips under the barrier, cutting the line. Anyways, morality is dead in America.

A slightly less crowded island is the egg station, at which R&DE kindly takes the precaution to remind all users that it has eggs as a known allergen. A solitary group of students has been sullenly cooking eggs for the past who knows how long. No one knows when they started or when they will end.

Meanwhile, while no one notices, one student is quietly breaking a record… on the new food waste trackers. While others casually drop their unfinished food into the trash, this student has not only passion for the game, but also vision, aggression and mindset. He waits in line for 30 minutes, grabbing pho with all the toppings, a neutron star panini and ice cream that has already started melting on his thumb. The machine lags for a bit before giving him a new food waste weight: 4.60 kilograms. This one’s going into the history books!

At the Stanford Occasionally, we were too lazy to actually interview Winnow, the company that does the food waste tracking. But I can imagine the interview going something like this: “Imagine tracking food waste, but with cutting-edge novel community-centered eco-friendly immersive AI-driven technologies, employing machine learning techniques to revolutionize the century of big data, accessible at your fingertips.” The piece results in Silicon Valley investors fighting to dish out a couple of million dollars, and ASES and BASES members frothing at the mouth with envy that they were unable to create such simple yet inefficient startups.

Final note — the title of this article is a reference to Billy Joel’s “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant.” Because jokes are so much funnier when explained.­­

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