Ten things you should’ve done instead of watching Stanford lose to Cal

Nov. 20, 2023, 1:26 a.m.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

  1. Sleep in

Trust me, unless you’re a masochist, you did not miss much. I’m sure your dreams provided more entertainment for you.

  1. Explore random dining halls

If you’re ambitious enough, make a trek to Ricker Dining in west campus to take advantage of the 24/7 infinite chocolate milk glitch.

  1. Indulge in the real football

Calling a game involving primarily hands and a non-spherical shape not even reminiscent of a ball “football” — a classic Fahrenheit-user blunder. Go touch grass and play a pick-up game of the real football at Roble Field.

  1. Disguise yourself as a Cal student and do a bit of trolling

Equip your best blue and yellow fit and head on to the Cal stands in the stadium. Immerse yourself among the most pitiful people ever and gain an appreciation for the fact you never stooped low enough to enroll at Berkeley.

  1. Play bullet chess and consume a jalapeño each piece exchange

No explanation needed.

  1. U.S. students: Fly out

Celebrate Thanksgiving meaningfully with your family and closest friends, and spend time at home. Besides, how else are you going to find a PS4 to play Fortnite before the original map shuts down?

  1. International students on campus: Explore beyond the bubble

Bike to downtown Palo Alto in the morning and return by noon because everything is overpriced and costs a damn kidney.

  1. Order a Starbucks drink with a celebrity name and convince employees it’s you

I tried this at TAP with the name “LeBron James” and they didn’t believe me. There’s no chance it was the height because 5’8” rounded to one sig. fig. is 6’, but that’s even so call it 7’ and humility brings it down to 6’9”, LeBron’s height. I’m literally him.

  1. Flake on something

Go wild and don’t show up to an event you RSVP-ed for a month in advance, don’t contribute to a group project you promised you would finish and leave that 10th “thing to do” in your Stanford Daily article blank.

Steve Mendeleev ‘27 writes humor. He likes poker, math and sushi, and the rule of three. Contact Steve at humor 'at' stanforddaily.com.

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