Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Benjamin Netanyahu is the nastiest skank bitch I’ve ever met.
Look, it’s nothing personal. It’s just that…he strutted in and the whole world fell in love with him, or something. Ever since he came to Washington, all anyone can talk about is Benjamin this, Benjamin that. The varsity jocks at the White House are going on about “rock solid and unwavering support” for the Netanyahu administration, and the Pentagon ROTC guys are practically whimpering things like “We stand with you, Mr. Prime Minister.” Even the sexually inactive nerds at MSNBC can’t stop talking about Benjamin and his war and its crucial global consequences, blah, blah, blah. I mean, at that point, why don’t you just date him? What happened to everyone talking about me, Volodymyr Zelenskyy?
Look, he might be important now, but I used to be the undisputed queen of Capitol Hill. A year ago, I had the President of the United States, the cutest guy in the whole school, telling me he would stand beside me for as long as I needed. He even vowed to protect my critical infrastructure from anyone who came near it. But ever since that skank Benjamin came forward, it’s like he won’t even look at me anymore! I’m sooooooooo much prettier than he is, and my… critical infrastructure… is bigger, too. And then, one by one, everyone in the school stopped talking to me: Mitch McConnell stripped my $6 billion aid package from Congress’ federal funding plan, Italian Premier Giorgia Meloni said “everyone is weary” of my conflict, and Wolf Blitzer won’t even say hi to me in the hallways anymore.
Sure, my war might not be as sexy as it once was. Ukrainian counteroffensives are slowing down, and military conditions have been described as a “stalemate” by my own officers. With how little attention I’m getting, I might as well be wearing sweatpants in public! People don’t realize that things are getting feistier than ever: the bullies from Moscow plan to increase military outlays to over $100 billion as soon as next year. Vladimir Putin, that blonde slut, has signaled his political intent to continue waging war until Ukrainian forces are “exhausted.”
Congress just approved a $14.3 billion aid program for Israel, and even though I slept with Chuck Schumer, Benjamin Netanyahu is all they can talk about anymore! Meanwhile, my aid plan is looking less likely by the day, and support for my war is a lower priority for both parties coming into 2024. This is almost as difficult as the time I had to lose three pounds to fit into my bulletproof vest. Try going onto an all-carb diet when you’re in the middle of an active warzone!
Look, maybe I can sort out my differences with Benjamin. Maybe I can look past the fact that he’s the popular one now. Maybe President Biden can go out with both of us, or we could just skip the song and dance and have a three-way summit. But whatever people think about Benjamin and his war, they should know that I still need attention to keep being as pretty, sexy and geopolitically significant as I am today. So if you want to praise him, swoon over him, say he’s hotter than me – that’s fine. You can call me whatever you want. Just don’t call me “fetch”. (Or “Russian”).
Kisses,
Volodymyr Zelenskyy