Integrity pioneer George Santos to serve as next University president

Nov. 30, 2023, 1:47 a.m.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

The Bureau of Trustees announced today that Stanford’s next president will be New York Representative George Santos.

“This is an honor of a lifetime. If you told me years ago that I would get to serve in the United States House of Representatives, receive the Nobel Prize in Integrity and get to serve as Stanford’s next president, I would not have believed you,” Santos said.

“We had some doubts at first about the University’s next president not being an alumnus,” Bureau chair and Class of ’98 alum Marc Tessier-Lavigne said. “What we found most compelling about the resume that Santos personally handed to us was that his time in office is unprecedented in its moral foundations. His personal conduct and profound bonds with staffers and constituents will serve us well.”

“I went to Stanford,” Santos said in retaliation. “I actually graduated with esteemed honors as the university’s one and only triple major in computer science, queer studies and economics.”

According to himself, Santos is qualified for this position based on the numerous awards he’s received. Santos apparently received Stanford’s Boothe Prize for first-year writing for his PWR 1 essay entitled “Show Me the Money: The Rhetoric Behind the Prosecution of White-Collar Crime.”

Santos has also reportedly received nominations for Forbes 40 Under 40, Forbes 30 Under 30, Forbes 20 Under 20 and the Nobel Prize in Integrity. Santos also noted that his route to becoming a Nobel laureate was the “shortest and most easily predicted process in the entire history of the Nobel Prize.” 

“Did you know they’re naming a neighborhood after me?” Santos said. “Residents of Neighborhood S will be saying goodbye to Sequoia and hello to Santos.”

Sebastian Strawser ‘24 is an Opinions contributor. He also writes for Humor and The Grind. His interests include political philosophy, capybaras and Filipino food. Contact Sebastian at sstrawser 'at'

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