Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. Attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
A Stanford student was allegedly caught stealing a book titled “The Roman Empire” during a routine bag check at Green Library last Thursday. The situtation devolved into a tense standoff with law enforcement, sources said.
“Bro, that was one of the wildest things I’ve ever seen, and I filmed it all too. Racking up those Fizz likes as we speak!” said Justin Miller ’25, who witnessed the standoff in Green.
Other bystanders were more severely impacted by the event, like English literature major Crystal Feng ’27.
“The book theft has left me scarred, and the thought that our books can vanish that easily has been giving me nightmares since,” Feng said.
“I’m pursuing legal action against Green Library because it is unacceptable that I had to witness such horror in the confines of a supposed safe space. I’m starting therapy tomorrow.”
The bag checker, who boldly and routinely asked to check the suspect’s backpack, found the 400-page book stashed away below a sweater and 10 grams of pure cocaine. The Occasionally reached out for a statement, which the the bag checker provided while requesting to remain anonymous.
“It’s about time I caught one of these rascals. I just know they’re all trying to steal books without repercussions, but my presence here ensures that doesn’t happen and last Thursday showed that,” the bag checker said.
The suspect, described as maybe South Asian by a source, has not been named. As they were escorted by authorities out of Green, a Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) squadron was enlisted to securely transfer the book into the possession of the Stanford University Department of Public Safety. The sweater and cocaine were left untouched at the scene by police, though the packet of cocaine has since been emptied.
“Crap, I really wanted to read that Roman Empire book, and it was the last one on the shelf!” said Aaron Rodrigo ‘26, who was “locked in” throughout the chaotic 2-hour stand-off.
A SUDPS spokesperson confirmed that forensic analysis was being performed on the book and the suspect was in custody in a public statement:
“This is unprecedented in the University’s history. The suspect is in custody and we are conducting further investigations, while implementing short-term plans to ensure this never happens again. Our agents acted swiftly and came quick onto the scene — pausing their intense 24/7 squad patrolling in the notoriously shady Ginkgo district, humbly leaving behind their donuts in the process.”
One of the short-term plans in question that is already underway is the replacement of Green Library bag-checkers with the TSA.
The TSA struck a $10 million deal with Green Library to equip its exit with TSA agents and “millimeter wave advanced imaging” technology to detect books with 97% accuracy. Consequently, the unnamed, heroic bag checker has been promoted to a TSA agent, with a medal of honor pinned on their blue uniform.
“We’re proud to have reached a first-of-its-kind partnership with Stanford University’s Green Library that enables us to both implement our most novel, cutting-edge book detection technology to increase the safety of society, while providing exceptional training for our most vetted TSA agents,” announced a TSA representative.
Meanwhile, bag checks towards South Asian students have increased by around 2000%. TSA is excited to report that number is expected to rise and include other demographics too.