Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Elon Musk announced Monday his intent to buy Stanford University in a deal rumored at $139 billion.
Musk previously acquired X, formerly known as Twitter, for $44 billion in 2022, a choice that forced him down a spiral of absolute despair and in search of more, according to sources close to the billionaire.
After acquiring the university, Musk plans to rename it “X, formerly known as Leland Stanford Junior University,” which will be better known by its acronym X-fka-LSJU. Musk is the CEO of six companies and was ranked the richest person in the world in 2024 with a net worth of $213.1 billion.
As a public service to the world, Musk is hatching plans to revolutionize education with the acquisition. He announced plans to devote all School of Engineering faculty to a project developing autonomous USB drives that will insert themselves into people’s computers and necks to distribute information more efficiently. He also plans to rename the E-Quad to the Elon-Quad.
Musk enrolled in Stanford in 1995 to pursue a Ph.D. in applied physics and material science. However, he left after two days to transfer to the University of Pennsylvania. “He believed the internet had more potential to impact the world than his research in physics,” Yahoo Finance reported. “He wanted to capitalize on the internet boom, and so he did, going on to launch his first company, Zip2, and selling it for over $300 million four years later.”
Musk, notorious for laying off large fractions of his company — such as the entire team behind brakes at Tesla, as reported by The Onion — to make drastic improvements to workplace culture, has exactly the track record higher education institutions look for in their leaders.
According to sources close to him, Musk planned the purchase so his children could pursue his dream of attending Stanford. The father of 12, who proclaims himself “an incredibly present father,” sees it as his obligation to provide for his offspring and give them a “slight” boost in their applications, he said.
“I’m just manifesting that X Æ A-XII will one day be part of the X-fka-LSJU Class of 2042,” Musk wrote in a post on X, formerly known as Twitter.
Musk toured campus in July to meet what he thought would be his future underlings. In a meeting outside CoHo, then-incoming Stanford President Jonathan Levin ’94 reportedly told Musk point-blank, “Don’t even think about buying the Farm.”
Musk offered Levin 5% of his Tesla shares. (Tesla has faced a sales slump for two quarters straight.)
“Anyway, I am the richest person in the world so it doesn’t really matter what you say. I’m going to start putting up a few statues of myself soon around X-fka-LSJU,” Musk said. “But between friends, you can still have the Tesla shares if you want.”
Levin considered the offer. “I’ll most likely be out of this position in a few years, anyhow,” he thought to himself.