Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

In a recently leaked J.D. Vance email dossier, Daily reporters have uncovered Project 2025 plans to remake Stanford in a conservative image. Despite rumors of involvement by alumni like Peter Thiel ’89 J.D. ’92, it ultimately remains unclear why Stanford was singled out. Items from the plan, selections of which have been reprinted verbatim below, are notable for their departure from Stanford’s usual policy of institutional neutrality.

Reduction of creative writing faculty to end the woke indoctrination typical of ENGLISH 90. 

Suspension and arrest of student journalists covering pro-Palestine protests. 

Protecting conservative voices in the law school by removing the DEI Dean.

Creating and prioritizing a separate dining hall for athletes.

Maintaining a think tank sympathetic to free peoples and free markets in a commanding location in the center of campus. They will also have a big tower. 

Fund a school for climate change and sustainability with donations from our great, American oil and gas companies.

Remove Stanford from a conference containing the liberal bastions of Washington, Oregon and Southern California. Unite it instead with the free states of Florida, South Carolina and Georgia.

Avoid appointing executive leadership from the humanities in favor of relying on fields such as economics and law.

Instill a desire for large families by converting doubles to triples and triples to quads in undergraduate housing.

Lobby against proposed bans on legacy admissions.

As part of the Godly, Not Gaudy Initiative, put beautiful gold on the church in Main Quad.