Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
As the United States gears up for the 2024 presidential election, Brandon Token ‘27 can’t escape political messages.
“Over the summer, I got a new driver’s license with my correct name and gender,” Token told reporters. “That liberal education really awakened me, you know? Then I drove home to a big blue banner that looked… Trump-coded. I just assumed my sister bought a Taylor Swift flag online.”
The flag was a 6’ x 10’ synthetic fiber rectangle proclaiming “LET’S GO BRANDON” in a bold white font. To this day, it hangs on the front porch of the Token household, where The Daily’s reporting team sat down with Brandon’s father.
“I proudly support the ‘LGBT’ agenda,” Mr. Token said. “Let’s go, Brandon Token; that’s my purpose in life. It’s a bit unusual — queer, if you will — this feeling, but I love my son.”
For Indigenous Peoples’ Day, he gifted his Diné in-laws a similarly sized flag reading, “Make America Great Again.” While he hasn’t heard back, he believes it will adequately show his appreciation for centuries of rich Native American traditions: “I have a strong appreciation for the Confederacy… the Iroquois Confederacy, specifically. ‘Make America Great Again’ is such a succinct slogan for the Land Back Movement!”
Even on campus, Token suffers from campaign pattern recognition, which has made students like him reconsider their complex moral philosophy: “I, personally, care about the content of one’s character. It’s just that this PC-ness is in your face, and it’s hard to swallow,” he said, referring to the term “Political Campaignism-ness.” “People erect their PC-ness everywhere on campus. It’s all this PC bull-[expletive]…I can’t take it anymore.”
When asking Token how he plans to avoid political double entendres in the weeks leading up to Election Day, he had few ideas. “I’m not optimistic,” he shrugged. “I have concepts of a plan.”
Realizing his Trumpian slip, he spontaneously combusted. “I can’t believe that PC-ness came into my mouth.”