Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
This year’s Democracy Day was thrown into chaos as rogue StanfordVotes revolutionaries engaged in a violent power contest.
The coup began at 8:00 a.m., as the StanfordVotes cameo as an Instagram “takeover” became permanent. The anonymous student leader behind the coup, known only as “Votemir Skipclass,” amassed a group of obviously gullible frosh whom he called “RogueVotes.” RogueVotes subsequently began to post their manifesto via 15-second Instagram stories. Their agenda, presented exclusively via Canva Pro templates, revolved around undoing the actions of Democracy Day organizer Dominus Kaiser. Third-party sources previously have described Kaiser as “uncollaborative,” “cocky” and “kinda rude…especially to women lowkey.” RogueVotes, however, went beyond any prior criticism and alleged that the leader was a full-blown autocrat who took unilateral control of the planning and finance committees, further claiming that he demanded all other board members swear oaths of loyalty to him.
RogueVotes went on to claim that Kaiser embezzled tens of thousands of dollars meant for an interactive hologram exhibit of George Washington to purchase snacks for himself, which he did not share with the rest of Democracy Day. RogueVotes placed the most emphasis on the complaint that, because Democracy Day had scheduled too many events (80 student panels, 23 special guest speakers and a monster truck rally), students did not have time to vote.
At 7:00 p.m., RogueVotes surrounded the Tresidder election watch party, demanding Kaiser be turned over. The remaining Democracy Day board members instantaneously obliged. Using an amassed amount of free drinks stolen from events early that day, RogueVotes “boba-boarded” Kaiser in front of the crowd.
After 20 minutes of struggle, Kaiser finally relinquished control of Democracy Day due to his lactose intolerance. All Democracy Day funds were handed over, and StanfordVotes shut down any following events that evening.
In a statement, Provost Jenny Martinez described the situation as “an unfortunate, ironic event overshadowing the celebration of democracy, a core value at Stanford.” RogueVotes, via the stolen Democracy Day account, responded: “Our actions on Nov. 5 perfectly reflected democracy. We used a blind, ranked-choice voting system to devise and execute the plan. At each step of our coup, we paused and had organization members fill out ballots. We always counted and verified results in a secure and trustworthy manner where honesty and transparency were prioritized. Once we were able to effectively ensure all voices had an equal chance to be heard, we began our spree of terror and violence with a clear conscience.”
Upon losing power, Kaiser was forced to repay the embezzled funds. Further investigation of receipts revealed that Kaiser had spent all of Democracy Day funds (close to $80k) on Captain Crunch, Colonel Sanders’-branded KFC, Burger King, and a lesser-known snack called Total Command Tamales. Finding no other way to recoup the money, Kaiser turned over all of his R&DE funds to University administrators. Having no other choice, Kaiser currently resides in the Huang Basement. Because the boba barrage dissolved his student ID card, he is unable to leave. A small faction of undying supporters, who refer to themselves as the “Permanente,” are raising funds to help the former leader regain his freedom.