Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
On cool November nights when you gaze up at the stars, you may ponder the vast glittering cosmos and our tiny place within it. You may wonder who else is looking up at those same stars, and in that moment feel a profound and beautiful connection with the fellow humans you share this earth with.
But when I look at the stars? Just another day at work. Well, another night at work, I should say. As The Daily’s chief astrological expert, I do my stargazing with a discerning eye, teasing out unshakable truths and inevitable predictions from the complex celestial dance taking place above us.
Want to know what’s in store for you this month? Take a look.
Aries
Your resilience will be put to the test this month when Mercury opposes Jupiter. Don’t be afraid to lean on the tools you have to maintain your strength and protect your peace: procrastination, buying yourself a little treat and doomscrolling.
Taurus
Jupiter’s unique path through the sky this month suggests you will share beautiful experiences with your romantic partner. Wait, what’s that? You don’t have a romantic partner? Loser.
Gemini
After Venus enters Capricorn on Nov. 11, seek out brand-new experiences such as maintaining a healthy sleep schedule, exercising regularly and calling your parents every once in a while.
Cancer
This one’s all in the name, unfortunately. You’d better go see a radiologist. If it makes you feel better, I think you caught it early.
Leo
Upon conclusion of Saturn’s retrograde, you may be contacted by a Nigerian Prince in need of temporary financial assistance. Trust your intuition and send him $8,000 in Bitcoin, and you may find yourself rewarded many times over.
Virgo
We all know what you did on the night of Sept. 16, 2019. This November, you’re going to have to come to terms with that.
Libra
The moon will have a close approach to Mars this month, a signal that love will come to you unexpectedly. Carry a napkin.
Scorpio
Pffft. I know exactly what you’re in for, but you think I’m gonna just give you that information for free? What are you, a Leo?
Sagittarius
The Northern Taurid meteor shower will bring heavy menstrual flow this month. Especially for you, gentlemen.
Capricornus
This month, examine the close connection you share with your guy best friend. Of course he’ll insist it’s purely platonic, but you know better than that.
Aquarius
I need you to listen very carefully and do exactly as I say. Under the third quarter moon in the small hours before dawn, make your way to The Axe and Palm. Dress in warm clothes and wear a face covering to avoid identification. When you get there, go to the West side of the building. You will find the second window from the left slightly ajar; open it further and climb inside. It will be dark and there will be stacked chairs, so be mindful not to knock any over. Do not — I repeat, DO NOT — use a flashlight under any circumstances. Proceed to the counter, climb over it and enter the kitchen through the opening where orders are placed. Do not use the doorway to enter the kitchen. Once inside, cook a cheese quesadilla and eat it. Cook a second cheese quesadilla and place it inside a to-go box, then carefully exit the building using the same route you used to enter — remember to close the window behind you. Carry the box to my residence (Griffin 201) and knock four times — exactly four, so I know not to call the cops — before placing it gently on my doorstep. Leave immediately.
Pisces
Like Mercury as it enters retrograde, you will be back on your bullshit starting Nov. 25. Buckle up, it’s gonna be a wild week.
There you have it! Best of luck this month — some of you are going to need it. Until next time, I’ll be watching the skies like a hawk, if hawks looked up at celestial bodies instead of looking at the ground for mice.