Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Author’s Note: Don’t do the don’ts, but don’t do the do’s. This is a Humor article, for goodness’ sake. Please comply with all local, state and federal regulations on controlled substances. If you’re from Berkeley, you don’t need substances to enjoy the Big Game. You’re winning. If you’re a Stanford fan, you’re used to disappointment. You don’t need substances to handle it. Once again, this is NOT a bucket list; this is NOT the Rice Purity Test.
Author’s Lawyer’s Note: The individual writing this article maintains no semblance of civil or criminal liability for the activities engendered by the descriptions listed hereafter. Failure to comply with local, state and federal regulations on controlled substances is the sole responsibility of the actor involved.
Watch parties this month have disappointed us all. Let’s fix that.
Whether you’re a proud Stanford student or reluctantly shackled to Berkeley, you know that the only football game you’ll ever care for is coming this Saturday. Thank goodness you haven’t dropped out yet, since there’s nothing like the 127th Big Game to revive that spirit. And there’s no Big Game without a bigger pregame. The Daily values your personal happiness fervently, and the Daily Cal tolerates it. So, here’s a list of Big Pregame Do’s and Don’t’s so you can go big (not go home!) the right way.
DO: Huff your poster-making materials
It’s important to be thrifty as you enjoy yourself! When preparing for Big Game, there’s no better two-for-one bargain than getting high off the paints, glues and Sharpies you made your quirky slogans with. Better yet, start your arts and crafts session huffing and puffing. It’s hard work procrastinating your homework with posters you’ll forget in your dorm.
DON’T: Get blazed on Hoover Tower/the Campanile
As a child, you learned never to double-bounce on a trampoline. That’s because being high in two ways can give you boo-boos. So don’t roll joints up on the imposing Campanile, or the slightly smaller but noticeably girthier Hoover Tower. It’s not safe, and our universities can only handle one loss on Big Game Day.
DO: Break out the mascot-themed bongs
Want to make a statement that your school will smoke the other team? Smoke them yourself! Loyal readers of the Daily Cal, run to Target and hollow out those miniature Christmas trees on the shelves. Stanford Daily consumers, Zipcar to Walmart and eviscerate a teddy bear. Steal your roommate’s bong and make it festive and competitive!
Stanford: If you smoke in bulk, head to the inimitable ITALIC 99 class in Burbank to build an Oski the Bear-themed fursona head! Not for wearing, of course: for storing your thematically consistent drug paraphernalia.
DON’T: BUI
No, silly. That’s not a typo. You shouldn’t drive under the influence, you shouldn’t bike under the influence and you shouldn’t bet under the influence, either. You might think capitalism is good until you’re seven shots in and your wallet’s on Stanford dominating the PAC-12 this season. What a crash-out. Gambling is not for the faint of liver.
DO: Hide alcohol in print copies of The Daily
Vodka handles in brown bags? Really? This isn’t your grand-pappy’s pregame.
At The Stanford Daily (and the Daily Cal), we’re not only your trusted news source and we’re certainly more than your crossword: We’re primed to cover up the wrongdoing that happens around us. So go ahead, wrap your bottles up in our papers! It’s the least we can do.
DO/DON’T: Fraternize with the enemy
Once upon a time, those incomparables across the Bay went to your high school. In your shameful, wanton past, they were your acquaintances, one-night stands… In a word, your frenemies. And if they weren’t, they could be in your future! So don’t be afraid to hit up (or hit) that friend of a friend this Big Game season. What could possibly go wrong?
So… are you ready to get ready to rumble? See you there, Stanford. Smell you soon, Berkeley. Let’s have a notorious Big Game pregame.