Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
This New Year’s Eve, you probably watched the sky for fireworks. Maybe you enjoyed a glass of champagne or sparkling grape juice. You might have even shared a New Year’s kiss.
Not me.
What did I do the night of Dec. 31? You guessed it: your mother. And your father, actually. But after that, I divined your future as it was written in the heavens. Read closely and learn about your fate for the start of 2025.
Aries
On Jan. 19, the sun will enter Aquarius. Take this as a sign to look forward towards your future goals and aspirations — don’t concern yourself with baggage from the past like classes you “failed” or taxes you “evaded.”
Taurus
The full moon will be in Cancer this Jan. 13, shining a light that allows you to manifest the things you desire the most: a McRib, a side of fries and a large Diet Coke.
Gemini
Recall, if you will, the Christmas carol “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” January is Santa’s month off, but don’t think for a second that there isn’t somebody out there who knows when you are sleeping.
Cancer
Your New Year’s resolution is 1080p, and, knowing you, I’ve got a pretty good guess as to what you’re going to be watching.
Leo
On Jan. 11, the north lunar node will enter Pisces, while the south node will begin its transit of Virgo. The interesting thing about this transition is that I have no idea what the hell it means. But let’s face it, neither do you. So I guess anything could happen…*wink* *wink*.
Virgo
The meteor showers opening this month tell me that you should be mindful of making weighty decisions. Plus, I’ve noticed you haven’t been making it to the gym much lately, and I’d hate for you to overexert yourself.
Libra
Baby, I gazed into your future, and you know what I saw? You, me, Candlelit dinner. 7:00 tonight. Just hop in the limousine outside your dorm at 6:45. Afterwards, I’ll take you back to my place for the best 28 seconds of your life.
Scorpio
On New Year’s Eve, a shooting star foretold a single glorious moment for you this month, a fleeting opportunity for such brilliant change that it could uplift the rest of your life. It was on Jan. 4 at 3:30 p.m., and you probably missed it because I hadn’t finished writing all the horoscopes yet. Sorry about that!
Sagittarius
Mercury’s retrograde finally ended on Jan. 1, so you can expect a period of relative tranquility this month. Unfortunately, that does mean your hoe phase is now over.
Capricorn
Your mistake will catch up with you in an Applebees this month; congratulations, it’s a boy!
Aquarius
Your November Horoscope contained very specific and clear instructions, which you completely blew off. I’m not sure why you expect me to just continue giving you advice when you didn’t listen to me the first time.
Pisces
2025 will be an eventful year for you, with many crucial, life-changing events occurring just in January that you will want to be sure that you are prepared for. To learn what these events will be, and more, please upgrade to the Astrology Corner “Premiere Plus” membership for $15 per month. Payment can be sent via Venmo to me @Johnny-Danger-Dollard.
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That is that! Another set of daring yet 100% accurate predictions from me, another month of ungrateful disregard from all of you. Well, it’s your funeral (well, for a couple of you born under Aquarius, at least). Until next time, I’ll be watching the stars to see what lies in your future!