Chronically Yours: 5 things a disabled friend, relative, or stranger doesn’t want to hear from you

Jan. 29, 2025, 11:30 p.m.

In the third installment of “Chronically Yours,” Noa Karidi shared five things you shouldn’t say to someone with a dynamic disability, and why they wouldn’t want to hear it.

  1. You’re so lucky! I wish I could

I would get this comment when I was sitting while everyone else had to stand during a long assembly or when I was sitting out from the mile run in Physical Education. This was never said to me maliciously. It was always said in a “wow I wish I didn’t have to do this, you’re not missing out on anything” way. But my middle school self just wanted to be able to make jokes and complain about how annoying it was to run the mile, to be like everyone else, but my friend just called me lucky for it. People generally want to fit in and feel like they are part of the group, but when we are not able to do something or have to do it differently, it can feel like we are missing out or are isolated. To call us lucky that we have to deal with a condition that isolates us and makes us live our life differently is incredibly hurtful. Additionally, when saying this, the person is complaining about a singular moment, wishing to have that chair or not do the boring thing. But the disabled person has to deal with this for the rest of their life and does not see the chair as a benefit, but rather as a representation of the way their needs are different and always will be. 

  1. What’s wrong with you? 

This question is acceptable when it comes from a young child. Otherwise, it needs to be phrased very differently. Whether you are a medical professional, a partner who wants to help, or a friend who wants to understand, this question is a very tricky one. I recently had a couple friends ask me to explain more about my condition and they did a beautiful job of asking in a way that felt respectful, made it clear that they fully understood if I did not feel comfortable sharing and that they wanted to know more about me rather than what is “wrong” with me. This is a question that can come to be very sensitive as oftentimes the process of becoming disabled can be very traumatic, and for those who were born with a disability, the experience of being “othered” from the beginning of their lives can be a traumatic experience as well. Therefore, if you want to learn more about someone in your life who is disabled please be very mindful of how you approach this question. Additionally, this is not a question that should be asked of a stranger unless it is being asked by a medical professional and even then it should be done much more mindfully. 

  1. “You’re too young.” 

This is one that I get a lot, especially from older adults, teachers and medical professionals. Arthritis is a word that is often connected with older adults and aging so my struggles with an autoimmune disease tend not match the known narrative. Nobody is too young to be disabled, and there are many people who are born with their disability. Trying to erase or ignore that because it doesn’t fit one’s worldview is disrespectful to my experience as a disabled individual. While I understand a friend could wish that I did not have to live with a disability, saying that I am too young implies that I lied about my own medical condition — an accusation many disabled people face. Oftentimes, this comment comes from a place of discomfort because it forces people to acknowledge that anyone can be or become disabled but do not let your discomfort invalidate others experiences. 

  1. You look fine, you don’t look like you’re in pain. 

This is a very common comment given to those with a chronic illness. There is a phrase within the chronic illness community: “never go to the doctor wearing makeup.” This is because a doctor will often not believe a patient, especially a female patient, who is in pain or struggling with day to day activities if they simply look good. While pain can often prevent someone from looking their best, pain is not always something obvious in appearance. Additionally, someone who is constantly in pain learns to live their life with this pain. My pain has consistently stayed above a three (in the zero to 10 rating system) for over five years. The fact that I looked super cute as I headed to class on Thursday doesn’t change the fact that my pain was a seven and underneath my outfit I had compression socks and heating pads. Oftentimes pain is not visible and denying it or disbelieving a disabled individual because of how they look can be incredibly hurtful, especially from a medical professional who is meant to help. 

  1. Get better soon 

As someone with a dynamic disability, I am not offended by this, because while I will always be disabled I still have better days. However, this comment disregards the permanence of most disabilities and implies that we should be striving for or desiring to be “normal.” This is incredibly hurtful, ableist and can be harmful for those who are still working to accept their disabled selves. 



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